A lot of artists struggle with imposter syndrome and feeling like their work will never be noteworthy. After all, it’s difficult to objectively criticize an inherently subjective body, why not assume the worst? Some of us talk about it, some of us don’t. Being confident in your work is difficult, especially if you’ve been away from it for a while, as I have.
After getting my BFA, I had to work pretty hard to make ends meet. Without access to a studio, suddenly I was on my own with a wheel and a used kiln that I could never find power for. Pair that with an awful relationship and multiple moves across Florida and Georgia, and I just stopped making work.
Suddenly, it’s 8 years later and I’ve finally been financially stable long enough to stop hustling and catch my breath. I live in Omaha now, and I miss the ocean. The thing is- unlike Florida- Nebraska has basements! As a homeowner, I can get whatever power my kiln needs! I can make pots again!!! It’ll be like riding a bike!
It wasn’t. Holy Self Doubt, Batman! I got a sink installed in my basement and set up my wheel, but something wasn’t right. No matter what I did, it felt like I couldn’t throw consistently to save my life. I could feel it as I was throwing. Uneven wall thickness. Not in the vertical axis though… I was throwing unevenly in the horizontal…which is usually a beginner’s problem.
I’d start a piece perfectly centered but by the time it was close to finished, nothing lined up. It was so bad I thought I could hear the wheel struggling when I tried to re-center. Trimming was a nightmare. There was always a thin side and a thick side. I felt like a total novice and couldn’t find a solution. I even bought a griffin grip so that at the very least, I could improve my trimming…
But even with the most epic trimming aid, I’d consistently remove too much material on one side. If I rotated the piece, I’d trim too much from a different side and Sweet Georgia Brown this made no sense!!!
Then it clicked … unless the wheel wasn’t spinning evenly… was that the hesitation I felt.. was my belt slipping? Is that what that sound was?
I started to take things apart and make adjustments. I emailed the manufacturer for guidance. I included a video so they could hear the noise… and it was actually a problem with the motor. They’re sending me a replacement.
That was the problem. Uneven rotations. Damaged bearing in the motor, they said. That’s what the sound was.
I cannot stress enough how frustrated I am with myself for not considering that maybe I wasn’t the problem. I spent almost a year kicking myself and sinking my self confidence more and more as I continued to “fail.” I’ve been so slow to make and finish work because I’ve been convinced that I was just not good anymore. I was so sure that I was the problem.
So that’s my rant. I wanted to share it because I think we artists get down on ourselves too easily. I let myself get caught in that trap of “I’m not good enough, of “no matter how hard I hard I try, I’m not getting better” and “i should just give up!”. I think a lot of us fall into this trap- but we need to keep working anyway.
Keep making. Don’t hold back. Don’t assume you’re the problem… look at it from another angle. Keep working until it clicks.
